ohhh man

oh man wow hello

my last post was over a year ago

i am sorry for abandoning all of you

so many things have changed; life is really good

i am having a mild existentialist crisis that i believe comes with being in your late teens

i have so many things to do and write and remember and say and be and i get really overwhelmed with it all, but it's okay

...i wrote a novel while i was gone and it is closer to my heart than anything i have ever written before (you'll hear me talk about it a lot, it's called pictures of you and it's about the beach)

i also started writing poetry

i am not sure why i am trying to rejuvenate my blog because between writing and life and school and sports, i don't have the time for it, but i thought it might be kind of an online journal

or a stream of consciousness, as this is

in the past two years, i have grown up a bit more (i am a much different person than when i left)

i have all but abandoned my relationship with God, not out of disbelief, but out of apathy, and it is breaking my heart and i know that he still loves me but i have such a stubborn heart and the devil tells me things such as, "it's been so long now, you have so much work to do to get back into his favor"

and that's not true

and i miss Jesus

and i am going to fix that

aside from God in my life, or my personal lack thereof, family, friends, writing, and volleyball have become the most important things to me

okay wow i'm sorry for this post i just don't know how to reintroduce myself because i am so far from the person i was when i left

but i am happy to be back, for however long it is :)

It's been over a year since I last posted here...and I doubt anyone reads this, actually I'm quite sure no one is going to see this post...but anyways. In the slight chance that anyone does, I just wanted to let you know that I'm now blogging/tumbling over at darling-everythingsonfire-x.tumblr.com. If you have a Tumblr, follow me! :) If not, feel free to come visit. Miss you all! 

-Caroline

Hey!!!

Just another reminder that I'm not gone for good and even though I don't blog here anymore, I still blog at my Tumblr, She Dreams of Paradise. If you want to hear my thoughts and my fangirling, head on over and check it out, and do follow me if you have a Tumblr :3 Be forewarned: my blog is basically my brain. There's nothing dirty, of course, I'm just a tad odd/crazy. Hehe.

Adios for now :) AND MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!

The Road Goes Ever On

Oh hey. Uh, yeah. I guess there's nothing I really need to say. It's kind of obvious I haven't been here in a while. I don't feel like writing a whole post on this, so I'll just say that I've really fallen out of the blogging habit and I'm just not interested in doing it anymore. Plain and simple, there it is. I'm not deleting this blog, but I'm not really going to be here. However: all is not lost! I have a Tumblr that I update frequently; read it if you like: There and Back Again

I just feel like my tumblr is a much easier, quicker way to blog/express myself. And I like it a lot more. If anyone actually read this, which I doubt, goodbye and good luck!

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, stepping out your door..."

I am not of this world's

*edit: I just reread this post and it's jumbled and difficult to understand...but I'm posting it anyway. If you can make some sense of it, then good for you.* :)

Hey. So yeah. It's been 46 days since I posted, and I'm reallyyyyy sorry. I've been a horrible blogger. It would be fun to update you on what's been going on in my life, but that'll be the next post, because I have something else I want to talk about first. :)

Do you know what freedom is?

I think I do. Don't take my word for it, but recently I totally got an idea of what not being free is. Not in a physical way, but spiritually. I spent the night at a friend's house, and at about 4:30 in the morning the radio started going off. There was a radio show on, and it was

1. Shallow
2. Stupid
3. Shallow
4. Pointless
5. Shallow
6. Made me want to cover my ears with my pillow

Well, I'm not going to say what it was about exactly, but it involved clothes and women, and it made me think, "Wow. Could the world get any more shallow?" (And yes, I'm aware I've used that word four times now, thank you, it fits this post very nicely.:)

So the world sees a woman's body, not her heart. Do they care what's in her heart? Nope. It's like, "Hey, if she's hot, that's all that matters."

I'm having trouble to convey what I'm talking about...what I mean is, the world is bound in chains of depravity that they're perfectly content to lounge around in, but what happens when God comes in and the chains are broken?

Freedom.

Sometimes it seems like, as Christians, we don't have the so-called "freedom" of non-Christians: we gotta dress a certain way, act a certain way, be "good." And it can look like our non-christian friends are having all the fun, living however they want to, not held back by any restrictions.

But hey. That's not how I want to live. And I never will want to live that way. Because those without Christ are bound up in chains too, just like the world. Chains that they don't even know are there.

Christ came. And he broke away each chain, each shackle, and each manacle binding our wrists. He used love and sacrifice and forgiveness and grace. He turned what was rotten into something that is blossoming.

And he gave us freedom. Freedom to love him, live for him, embrace beauty, and to want to cry because he's just done so much for us that we can't even fathom.

Our chains are gone. We've been set free. Christians, we are not of this world. We may be sinners and we've made mistakes every single day of our lives and we will make mistakes every day onwards, but we do not belong to the depravity and shallowness of this world. We are Christ's.

Listening to that horrible radio show talking about something as stupid as "should women dress provocatively for job interviews" made me want Jesus. It comforted me to know that I had a reason not to listen to that junk, that I was set apart from it, and that I had someone to run to. I am not alone in this world. I am saved. What the heck, I'm not perfect, and here on this earth I never will be.

But my chains are gone.

Even as I'm writing this I'm feeling a bit hypocritical. It may sound here like I'm some amazing super Christian who's got it all together and lives a perfect Christian life every day. I'm nowhere near close to that. I can't remember the last time I sat down one morning and had devotions. I've told God I want to do better and live for Him and I haven't. Sometimes I feel so shallow and inadequate and concerned with worldly things that don't matter.

My friends, let me ask you: What is that battle worth? What is worth to fight for something like looks or popularity? 'Cause even right now, I'm thinking, That's not what I want. I want a life lived for Jesus. A life that in the end is going to mean something. God is waiting for us and how many times have we turned him away in favor of things that will pass away? How many times have I done that? I can't even count. I can't count how many times I've done that in the past month.

So I can live a life in chains and bondage and slavery, in a world that will only pull me down and fill my mind and heart with shallow, stupid talk. Or I can fall at the feet of Jesus and beg for forgiveness and cry and thank him, again and again and again, that he saved me from the world. Saved me. Rescued me. Redeemed me.

Dear Lord,
I understand what it means to be in the world but not of it. You are a great and amazing God and I want to cry out to you and fall at your feet with tears from what you saved me from. I don't have to stumble aimlessly through life alone in a world that hates You. I don't have to die and be separated from you for eternity because your love was greater than my sin.

God, I don't want to be just another random person living for the world, not now or never. I've been set apart for You, for Your Glory and Your Kingdom. For an eternity WITH you, not without you.

I can't even begin to fathom the depths of Your Love.

And that is perfectly okay with me.

My life is your's, Lord. Not mine and definitely not the world's. You hold my heart, and I pray you always will. I love you.

All my love, which is nothing compared to all of yours,
your daughter,
Caroline